Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
