Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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