I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
two words: eviction party
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
