Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
