so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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