Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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