All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The best revenge is premature balding
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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