just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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