He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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