I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
