Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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