i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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