What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
