I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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