I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
