I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
