Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize