I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
