She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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