No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
