this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Randomize
