And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
