I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
