i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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