My hand turned me down
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
