Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
