also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
