So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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