feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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