He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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