I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
