I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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