How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize