How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's official drugs can't kill me
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
