God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
