I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
