and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
