so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
