Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
