me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
