He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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