Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
as a side note pls kill me
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