Will you blow on my dice?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Randomize
