Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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