he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
