After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
be right there i have to get my cape
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
