I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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