Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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