I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
