Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
