The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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