You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
