The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know her cup size but not her name....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
