I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize