After last night, I could never be a politician.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
