Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
