I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize