Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
