saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
