nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
