so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
