Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
